How I lost my job and my virginity on the same day! (3rd and last post in my Pandemic Amnesty series)

The fact that there is such a thing as virginity is more evidence that ... we live in hell!

I was originally going to title this post “the Element of Extortion Present in Both the Doom Loop & the vaccine mandates” but because I was also going to share more evidence toward my philosophical argument that we live in hell, and the unique horror of the concept of “virginity” came up, I thought, gee, Sarah, why don’t you lead with that!!!

I once worked for a company that offered a subscription service but made it difficult if not impossible to cancel (this is not the job I lost). The good thing about this company was that they did not require us to get vaccinated, only to report whether or not we had been, and if so, to upload the image of our vaxx card to ADP. Still a massive and stunning violation of our privacy, but at least we weren’t forced to get the jab or lose our jobs.

Before I left that job, we received an employee happiness survey and on the final screen, the survey asked if we had anything else to say. I wrote, “[the company] extorts customers of both time and money by making it impossible to close their accounts, thereby trapping them in a Lucifer-esque hell loop.” I typed a few more sentences, then deleted those because the additional information was superfluous. “Hell loop” says it all. (In post 1 of this 3 part series, I brought up the hell loop from the TV show “Lucifer” as it pertains to the “doom loop” Emily Oster mentions in her call for “pandemic amnesty.” My complete communication analysis of the Atlantic piece is here.)

Now, words and their definitions matter. The dictionary says extortion means: “the practice of obtaining something, especially money, through force or threats.” I want people like Emily Oster to know that we were — all of us — extorted. Some of us just opted for the pain of losing our jobs because the pain of cowering in the face of tyranny would actually feel worse to us. Extorting people is immoral, unethical, and illegal. Emily (and her deep state ghostwriter) need to know that subjecting people to the type of hell loop where you first lose freedom, family, friends, and then your job wasn’t just a moral failing, it was criminal.

Here, let me introduce you to a concept I like to call “good girl training” and “good boy training;” I posit that it makes extortion by someone in a position of authority easier. The compulsion to conform, to please authority, and to be “normal, like everyone else” is deeply ingrained in these people. Indeed, it’s the primary indicator that someone was subjected to “good girl” or “good boy” programming in early life by their original governors, their parents, teachers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, et al — anyone who had control over their bodies and time. Now, “good girl/boy” praise is great for potty training. But only potty training. Praise is great in general (I’m not a parent but I was a kid and I loved praise). But the good girl/boy training always incorporates the inverse of bestowed approval: bestowed disapproval, i.e. shame. I will concede that shame, in small dosages, is helpful for training kids and teenagers to make sure they grow up to be adults who take a shower so they don’t smell or to brush their teeth or wash their hands, and show up to school on time so they show up to work on time as adults. (I also think that parental anger is better than shame, but more on this in a future post.) Avoiding shame is a powerful motivator, and if you’re approval/disapproval trained too hard (too intensely, too often) like this by your first childhood governors, your will is effectively broken, and you’re going to be compelled to avoid the shame of disapproval by the people who govern you as an adult (the government, the CDC, basically any federal agency). For this type of adult, no vaxx didn’t just mean no job. No vaxx meant you aren’t a good person. Shame. You don’t deserve to exist. The pressure of a government suggestion is automatically perceived by these weak-willed people as a command. And that’s force! The mind would then establish this delusion: “Why wouldn’t I want to get the vaxx? Anyone would!” And when we witnessed bizarre hysteria, calls for physical force to be used to vaccinate others, the true origin of that outrage was not that we said no, it’s that we said no to authority. This is why I claim that all of us, even the ones who jumped on the bandwagon on day 1, were extorted. (And you’re also more likely to believe lies as well, and believe that “the government is telling the truth” with this personality problem, but that’s a separate issue.)

Many readers know I lost my job working for an elected official in Arlington County in May of 2021 for objecting to being forced to disclose my vaccine status to my employer (I “displayed a profound distrust of leadership” is what they told me before walking me out the door). There’s something so devastating and demoralizing about knowing you’re going to lose your job, when you like your supervisor and co-workers, and you’re good at it. Finally back in the office after work-from-home purgatory, you brew the second pot of coffee of the day for everyone on the team, like you used to in the “old days,” and then cram your sweet potato in the toaster oven for lunch, but your stomach hurts too much from anticipation to eat it. And you want to cry because if you lose your job, you won’t have money and not having money sucks. And the uncertainty of the availability of a next new job feels like a cloak of dread. This cloak is so heavy and drags behind you, everywhere you go, but you can’t take it off. You walk a little slower and nostalgia pollutes all your thoughts, a poison you have to take every morning in order to find some semblance of a good feeling, if only from your memories, because humanity’s future looks that horrifying and bleak and grim. And lost.

Funny story: I lost that job and my virginity the same day, May 21, 2021. I told you in a previous post how I waited way too long to have sex because I was terrified of getting pregnant in my 20’s and truly believed God had made me a soulmate who would miraculously appear in my life any day, and finding him was purely a matter of patience. Yes, the years passed and one day in December of 2020, I had a birthday and woke up literally a 40 year old virgin (although I did wake up in Cancun, so I had a good day). Now, if you’re familiar with the Meyers-Briggs type indicator, there’s a highly intuitive moral compass-driven type, INFJ. I tested INFJ in the 6th grade and again as a senior in high school and again in my late 20’s. Now if INFJ’s go into the ESTP shadow grip, because of a triggering stressful event like losing a job, we get really brave really fast. INFJ is naturally risk-averse; for example, I did not go out on a date until I was 30, notwithstanding high school dances, etc. in order to reduce the risk of being date-raped (statistically much more likely than stranger-rape). I sold my car in 2008 in order to reduce the risk of getting into a car accident and didn’t buy one again until 2017. I could go on and on. Now, psychologists might not say “brave;” they might choose different words like, oh let’s see, I don’t know — disinhibited or impulsive or self-destructive. But that’s not (totally) it. I posit instead that the survival instinct is filling us with a surge of life force to take action instead of sit around and make a list of 87 things to do. And it’s so invigorating: it feels like being ready to fight to the death and have sex and run a marathon all at the same time. INFJ’s are not (usually?) killers, although we do enjoy eviscerating with words as weapons. I hypothesize that the shadow grip is triggered by a life-threatening amount of sadness, and is designed quite literally to help you push and power your way through hell, which if you’re going through, you HAVE TO KEEP GOING, as Mr. Churchill used to advise. There’s more about the Meyers-Briggs type indicator on this excellent channel which posts videos of all 16 types’ shadow grip tendencies using clips of movies and TV shows as examples, and it’s fascinating.

But back to that night: from this psychic space of righteous anguish, I drank so much at a party that the host had to pour me into an uber with another guest at the party, who was also heading back into DC. In the uber, we started kissing and I’ll tell you WHAT, this guy was the best kisser I’ve ever had the pleasure of being kissed by. For 35 minutes, he kissed me. The alcohol was also wearing off and what washed over me was the distinct feeling of destiny, that now was the time, or at least as good a time as any, to have sex. Our country and indeed the world was going to hell in a handbasket. I thought, So you know what? I’m done. You fascist tyrants, go get your fucking vaccine and have your antibody dependence enhancement and wipe your ass with the Bill of Rights, and keep violating human rights and the Constitution and go swallow Fauci’s “ejaculate” for lack of a shorter better word, and suck Pfizer’s dick, you guys are so fucking dumb I can’t believe I ever wanted to join the military to defend you, fuck yourselves, you gaslighting gaslighters. And fuck you, soulmate, for not being here to “make love to” me, for lack of a shorter better word, and split rent with!!! So instead of continuing on in the uber to my apartment building after dropping him off, we went back to his place together.

Over the years (ever since 2018 when I moved to Washington, DC), a number of guys on twitter have asked me out because they were in town and knew me from my youtube channel or blog, but I always shied away from the idea because I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship and couldn’t imagine that my soulmate would be someone who only happened to be in DC for a visit. But now, in the summer of 2021, since having the proverbial band-aid ripped off the night of being fired, I had nothing to lose. I calculated the risk based on that knowledge, took a chance, and replied to one of those DM’s I received way back in early 2020. (“Hi! Sorry it took me a year and a half to reply lol.”) By a wonderful coincidence, this guy happened to be on a road trip and in a nearby state, and DM’d back right away that he would be in town soon. A few days later, I spent the most amazing weekend with him — and the most amazing weekend of my life so far. Do you know what makes the future bright? Adds hope back to your life, puts the sparkle back in your eyes, the bounce and pounce back in your step? I bet you can guess. The penis is a mystical key!! It unlocks all good doors, doors into the heart, the mind, the soul, and the future! I even wrote a poem about it.

Life is for the living. Let the dead bury the dead, to paraphrase Mr. Joyce. We must live. Let’s embrace life as though we have nothing left to lose because one day we really won’t. Because we’ll be deceased.

So, as gravely sinful as the world’s governments were and remain, may I suggest that we not let vengeance sneak into our heart like squatters who break into a vacant home, change the locks on the doors, refuse to leave, and can’t be evicted. I posit that we cannot feel vengeance and joy at the same time. This is why I called for Atonement in my first Pandemic Amnesty post. The concept of atonement is deeply spiritual, with origins in several religions. Allowing these criminals the opportunity to make amends publicly, say by volunteering to teach and mentor prisoners, or tutor kids in after-school programs, would be one possible way for them to atone for the terrible things they did to our country. This way, we can keep joy in our hearts and still desire a reckoning. We can object to abuse of power by authority and take action to right wrongs and correct injustices — joyfully. These psychopaths stole our time, our freedom, our jobs, and our families — they don’t get to rob us at gunpoint of our joy.

And as far as that great guy from out of town, he is still great! And still out of town. I continue my search for the other half of my soul. I believe in soulmates because I’ve seen them, the aspirational almost tangible love they have for each other (not without occasional — or regular!! —conflict, lol). Maybe I will never find him or he “died suddenly” or possibly long ago, but I am having so much fun looking for him.

Alert: the next paragraph is graphic

As I’ve said, we live in Hell and because I had sex for the first time with a guy I had just met versus a boyfriend I was finally “going all the way” with, he did not know about the blood that was coming. And immediately stopped. (And made me go home.) What that meant was that the second guy I had sex with over Memorial Day weekend was also horrified by surprise remnant hymen blood (because it takes many thrusts to get rid of it completely because as I may have mentioned, we live in hell). I cannot imagine being 16, 18 or even 20, and having to clean up that mini crime scene. It was surreal enough at age 40 — like a Hitchcock movie crossed with “Twin Peaks.” Twice! That guy too stopped immediately and made me go home. The blood was so horrifying to them that they both lost their errections. And that I feel terrible about. They would not have had sex with me at all if they had known. (And also with guy 2, I thought it was gone from the “first time.” It was only later that I remembered my Baby Boomer coworker telling me years ago in my 20’s how she bled every day of her honeymoon, that it took the whole week of sex to fully root it out, so to speak. Thank God I forgot that.)

To the young women who may be reading this, this is your takeaway, please: the penis is spectacular and feels so good. Don’t wait like I did. (But do fall in love or at least experience making out, a lot, before you get to part b into slot a territory. Your cervix lifts as you become aroused, that’s how the engorged manhood fits. I know, I know, you’re like HOW can it fit inside me? That’s how. One time I had sex before my cervix had lifted, and it’s a very weird feeling — don’t be afraid of it, it’s not painful, it’s just odd. So get that foreplay in. It could be painful under unpleasant circumstances.) Also, face beauty is totally overrated. Girls are swiping left or not matching and missing out on terrific guys because of this unfortunate tendency in some of us. I have known girls who do this and feel so sad for their lost opportunities — these guys have the same awesome stubble and broad shoulders and laps for sitting in and straddling that the guys with perfect teeth and hair have. Be brave and meet for coffee or drinks! And this should go without saying: if your religion teaches you to wait until marriage to have sex, great! Church, temple, mosque — all fantastic places to meet people. Religion: the original social network and matchmaking app (lol). I always wanted to meet and marry my soulmate and constantly thought he was just around the corner! I still do!

When I was fifteen, I used to play the Spice Girls song “2 Become 1” on repeat. To this day, I think it’s the most romantic song ever recorded. Nay, written!!! Look at these lyrics!!

But now I am on an actual mission to make up for 2 decades of lost sex. While I would prefer to do that with one man, I’m so grateful to the men I have had sex with for not hurting me and for letting me try some of the fantasies I have. (Yes, I realize it’s horrifying to be thankful for men not hurting you — as I said, we live in … you get it.) Thank God for making the penis so beautiful and the vast majority of men attached to one so handsome and nice. (The stubble! I want to touch it so bad.)

No one on earth wanted true love like Sarah wanted true love. Why else would I have waited so long? And the irony is if I hadn’t gotten fired, I would still not have had sex to this day because I still have not met my soulmate. How ungrateful I was (unintentionally) for my body, for pleasure, and for joy. My survival instinct was always helping me reduce the risk of danger and that is no way to live. But it is a safe and effective way to slowly die.

Thank you for reading, dear substack subscribers!!

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