Why do men leave the toilet seat up? A treatise on toilet equity

(Belated April Fool’s post - to be read in the spirit of a modest proposal, dear readers)

Ladies, why do men leave the toilet seat up? They aren’t, of course. You are leaving the toilet seat down. After sitting to pee, my uterus-containing reader, you would and should put the seat back up, so that if a testicular sac-bearing individual then enters that same bathroom to take a leak, he can simply whip out his member without having to take two seconds to lift the seat up.

In relationships, we do the dance of give and take in order to show our love for each other. This is why true toilet seat equity (#TrueToiletSeatEquity) can only be achieved by tallying the number of times each person goes number 1 in a day and then making sure that each person has to touch the seat an equal number of times. Ladies, if he always puts the seat down, then he is touching the seat two times for every act of urinating - first, to lift it up and then a second time to put it back down. And you would go through the entire day never touching it once. This is a travesty! A terrible inequality, almost tragically and profoundly anti-male and as such, perpetuates a poisonous paradigm of penis-shaming.

After a few days of tallying, a Pee Schedule can be determined. Each person shall be given a designated Time to Go Potty, on a shared group calendar, replete with alerts on your smart phone, the ability to request a different time slot, and to message each other, and any relevant offspring, in-app. The whole nine yards. And if the man also goes number 2 and as such has put the seat down to sit while taking this dump, then of course he should (flush and) put the seat back up, in the interest of true toilet seat equity.

The truly committed heteronormative couple would hold each other accountable and ensure that neither partner goes into the bathroom two times in a row. They must alternate trips. If by chance one of them does break the toilet seat equity protocol, then at the end of the day, that person will put down and then lift back up the toilet seat however many times is required to catch them up and be “even.” The other partner will bear witness, while holding a space of compassion (or just while holding it). And those couples participating in the #ToiletSeatEquityChallenge on Instagram will film this act of witnessing and share with all their followers. Live-streaming is an especially effective way to share one’s pledge to toilet seat equity.

Have you taken the Toilet Seat Equity Pledge?

April Fool’s!! Hope you enjoyed this piece and I would love it if you subscribed to my substack!